I was made to be here at this time, walking the turbulent path of reclaiming the hidden and mysterious pieces of woman.
As I have walked the path home to my soul, to the rebirth of myself and the remembering of who I was born to be, I have become a master of the cycle of life. Life, death, rebirth playing through my veins. The serpent my animal spirit guide along the way, teaching me to shed my too-tight skin, every time I am called to expand. The shadowy deep Scorpio in me drawing me down in descent to the underworld, so I may feel the wild that is asking to be set free.
I was the girl who would pretend nothing was ever wrong. Embarrassment was an emotion I couldn’t stand the sensations of, yet knew well, because I would internalise everything, thinking myself wrong, if I didn’t get something right, said the wrong words. I would not cry, I would not speak too loud, I would fit in with the crowd, wearing the masks I needed for acceptance. And yet, as much as I tried to blend in, I still felt like I stood apart.
Those feelings, so pushed down, would find their way to the surface though, hot as they streaked down my face. They would find the gaps in my armour as anger overtook me, but my throat closed against what I really wanted to say. Such a tangled web of emotions within me, all that was held back through the years trying to free itself whenever a crack appeared.
The more of these pieces of myself that I buried, the harder it got to speak up. The harder it became to be me and before long, I didn’t know who that really was. I was someone I had shaped from a web of expectations and conditioning, yearning for acceptance and seeking those who could give it to me. I said and did the things that would make others happy and keep me in a small world of security, but over time, would see me angry, explosive, resentful and speaking aloud at the kitchen sink… “Is this all there is??”
In that moment I heard a call, which sounds so cliche, but as I asked of the space outside of myself, “is this it?”, something within me spoke back. The closed off outer world, that was playing Mum and wife and making everything look so put together, cracked and a piece of myself that had felt so distant and forgotten came home.
That day I heard my soul again and what was to follow was a remembering that would change the trajectory of my life forever. In that moment I found the light again and I followed the beacon willingly, as it led me towards everything I would become.
Witch, Wild Woman, Earth Priestess, Leader.
So shamed are the powers of woman, that have been hidden away for fear of being too-much. To be spoken aloud or through our bodies would be to invite judgement, disgust, embarrassment, danger. Our sensuality, our blood, our sexual power and magnetism. Our grief, our magic, our anger, our playfulness. The lover, the witch, the rebel, the dreamer. How dare we stand out from the crowd and rock the status quo… I say how dare we not!
When I awakened, and oh how I awakened, nothing would stand in the way of my return home. To reclaim everything I was born with and beyond. To reinitiate over and over, as I stepped into women’s Circle and feminine leadership, becoming a master of holding space for women to do the same. I realised how deep the power of my womb ran and everything I explored, kept bringing me back to it. Here was the cycle of life, death and rebirth that guided me in my spiral of growth.
Choosing to bring another child into this world, wasn’t one I took lightly, but something within me kept saying that I was here to be the vessel for this Soul that was waiting to be birthed into the world.
I spent much time preparing my womb for the moment I would conceive. Womb Clearings and activations with a Blue Diamond Soul midwife, weekly Circles traversing the Mother and Father wounds, ritual with my husband. I sang and I drummed and I danced until I felt it was time to make the invitation to our baby, to come in and join us. This would be a conscious conception.
When a woman becomes pregnant, she is invited into a process of unbecoming. Of unravelling herself as she is now, so that she may be initiated as Mother at the birthing of her babe. Whether it is her first or her fourth, she will initiate, so she may hold what she needs for the baby she births. Everything she experiences, invitations for deeper work that will prepare her for her birth.
Knowing I was choosing to birth on my own, to Freebirth, I knew I needed to go deeply within. I knew that I needed to come into my birthing day clear and in absolute trust with my body, my baby and our ability to communicate with one another. I needed to release all fear and create a depth of safety that I had never before experienced.
It is no wonder then, that my trials along the way, all came from the masculine energy. My Feminine was preparing to be in her utmost vulnerability and I needed to address everything that stood in the way of being able to surrender to the process.
When my husband was arrested and taken to jail, just three weeks before our fourth baby was due, the walls around me crumbled and I landed in the deepest grief I have ever experienced in my life. It was in giving myself the space to experience this grief though, that I realised, I had become my power. No longer was I just practicing it, I was living it!
I had mastered being in the dark mess, while also experiencing the heights of joy. This moment when he was ripped from my side, I realised I had everything within me, to carry me through and that this was needed for me to see that. I was ready for any fire that would ask me to walk through it, I was no longer scared of being too wild, because in my too-muchness, I am powerful beyond measure.
Those weeks were my becoming, that experience my initiation to the wild feminine. I would know intrinsically that I would birth my baby alone, just as planned, in the stillness and quiet of my home, with just my children present and in this act, another layer of initiation would unfold.
For the first time ever, my waters broke before labour, at 8.30am, half an hour before I was due to be in the last Circle of Master Facilitator training, which had been a 9 month journey, with the same 9 women meeting every week.
I felt so giddy, soft and clear. It wasn’t lost on me that I had asked these Sisters to hold temple space for me to conceive in our very first Circle of the program and here as we closed the container, my baby was going to birth. I got everything organised for myself first and joined the Circle, coming on as they were singing, dancing and playing instruments to a song for me. It was so beautiful and perfect to be in Circle while waiting for my labour to begin.
When labour truly began, it was a gentle journey of increase. Just me and my three children in the house, it felt so peaceful. I followed my breath, I listened to my body, I danced and chatted with my 4yo daughter who was staying close to her Mama, intent on being there with me. I prepared the bath and when it felt time, I stepped into the watery womb of it.
As I immersed myself in the warm soothing water, eyes closed and floated on my back, I let go of everything. I could hear Kayla beside me, mimicking my breathing, witnessing me, holding space so tenderly. What wisdom our children have when we allow them experiences to access it! We were in Temple and I had become the Priestess. There were no primal roars like my past labours, all was quiet, all was still, my face softening through biting contractions, until a deep wave of awareness washed over me and I realised my body had begun to push my baby down the birth canal, without any effort from me.
I knew that if anything was not right, my baby would tell me and as I leaned forward, I felt him wiggle and shift, moving back up, turning himself. So in tune were we with one another, that I knew he was asking me to change positions and as I sat back, I felt him quickly make his way back down in the next two waves. It would only take one active push from me, to them birth his head into my waiting hands. With the next wave his body, as I brought him up through the water into my arms. We had done it.
I was reborn again, a priestess of the womb, carrying the wisdom of life, death and rebirth within my bones. In integrating this into my being, I became the medicine the women who seek me out will need.
My tools are not the magic, I am the magic.